Five Common Relationship Errors–San Francisco Chronicle

Many common relationship errors hinge on assumptions

Ilene L. Dillon, Special to The San Francisco Chronicle  

Maxine was telling Tom about a problem she had at work. She was halfway through the story when Tom interrupted, saying: What you should do, Maxine, is talk with your supervisor and turn the whole matter over to her. She’s the one who should be dealing with this problem.

Incensed, Maxine walked away, throwing her hands in the air, leaving a puzzled Tom in her wake. Gender communication expert Deborah Tannen explains that Tom and Maxine reacted characteristically, reflecting differences in the way men and women communicate. Women offer troubles talk, sharing their difficulties as a way of building relationships; men are problem solvers, offering immediate solutions so the problem can be solved and left behind. Although this explanation is a good one, it still does not reach to the bottom line relationship violation that caused Maxine’s disgusted reaction. Few relationship experts discuss the all-too-common error of giving help that isn’t requested.

Relationships of all descriptions couples, family, co-workers, friends, employees and bosses are governed by the simple principle:  Help that isn’t asked for never works. Unfortunately, so few people are aware of this dictum that most of us violate it daily, mystified by others lack of receptivity.  

Giving Maxine help she did not request creates anger and upset, not receptivity. People like to help those they love, see it as a loving action and feel frustrated or angry if that help is not accepted. It is not necessary to abandon our efforts to help; we merely need to ask whether help is desired. When Tom asks Maxine, Do you want my help? he will get either a clear yes or something else. A yes means she is receptive to his suggestions; anything else, however, is a no, and Tom should abandon his efforts to help. 

There is much we have not been taught about relationships, leading us to violate principles perhaps not evident, causing pain and misunderstanding. We cannot correct mistakes we cannot see, and an endless chain of repeated error and pain results. For 30 years as a psychotherapist, an endless line of people caught in this frustrating trap has passed through my office, haunted by the same unanswered questions:

When do we have power to change? Whom can we change? Why do we keep repeating the same relationship mistakes? The answers are simple and unequivocal: The only time we have power is in the present. The only person we have power over is ourself. 

Maxine commits a second common relationship error, failing to tell Tom what she wants from him. People think that love is proved through mindreading. The truth is that most people do not know what is inside another’s head. Untold misery is relieved when each of us takes the responsibility to tell others what we would like from them, not as an expectation (which is tantamount to a demand), but as information and request. Maxine could tell Tom, I want to tell you a story from work; and I just want you to listen without giving advice. Will you do that? Note that by asking, Maxine is not perpetuating the third common relationship error, assuming compliance merely because she asks for something.

Mother Nature does not play favorites. If you are out walking in the woods and stop to rest under a tree about to drop a limb, the limb falls on you. It is not withheld because you had a bad life, are a relative or are special. Mother Nature operates on principle: What she does for one she does for all. Human beings get themselves into a great deal of trouble in relationships by playing favorites, operating on the basis of personality instead of principle. Because of this special condition . . .we rationalize to ourselves, I will do something for you that I would not do for anyone else. Our lives and relationships work infinitely better when we behave more like Mother Nature.

Every relationship issue offers people an opportunity to find a solution through creative change. Yet most people focus on the problem instead of the solution, robbing themselves of the ability to develop a picture of what they wish to create. Too often people attempt to resolve relationship issues by going to the past, focusing on what went wrong and attempting to overcome the problem. This is futile behavior.

When something goes amiss in any relationship, an initial look to diagnose the problem is required. Because of the principle energy follows attention, after this brief look, focus your energy and attention on the desired outcome. The intended outcome will be fed energy and will grow; the problem will be deprived of energy, and will atrophy and disappear.

A wonderful old story tells of the two saddest words in any language: if only. Such an approach only focuses a person on the past, blocking change. We cannot change what is done.

Two words are recommended instead: next time. Next time focuses people forward, moving them toward what they want to become, paving the way for the changes needed to learn and move on.